


What am I supposed to do? (Without you)

by wasureukiyo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Future Fic, Light Angst, M/M, Moving On, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Oikawa Tooru, Post-Break Up, Singer Oikawa Tooru, Songwriting, lovers to strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29319144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wasureukiyo/pseuds/wasureukiyo
Summary: The light dims, with a single spotlight shinning upon Tooru. His fans’ screams are almost deafening, but they’re also encouraging. Tooru closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and releases a shaky one. Without thinking, he lets his fingers hover the guitar, playing the tune that’s carved within his soul, ready to dip down the memories he tried to leave behind. He opens his eyes and sings.---Or Tooru vents out his break up through a song
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2
Collections: Iwaoi Server Valentine Exchange 2021





	What am I supposed to do? (Without you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [haikyall](https://archiveofourown.org/users/haikyall/gifts).



> Helloooo! I just want to say that I really really enjoyed the prompt, and well although I'm not usually an angst writer, I love writing things based off songs. The title and song in question is Mr. Loverman by Ricky Montgomery, truly a banger for me. Under this context the song is "written" by Oikawa, though in real life of course all copyrights belong to him.
> 
> Anyway, to Haikyall my giftee, I really hope this lives up to your like and expections! And to everyone else, I hope you like it!

_“First loves don’t last. Even so, they are the ones that are so carved into every corner of our soul, that in every person that comes after there’s a little part that reminds us of them.”_

Tooru cleans the small droplets of sweat pooling above his eyebrow as he takes a large sip of water. There is a slight chill outside of the venue, but inside, Tooru can’t help but feel a little too suffocated. It’s not an uncomfortable feeling per se, except that when he thinks about the next piece he has to perform, the feeling intensifies. He clears his throat, and leans into the microphone set in front of him, his hands coming to clutch his guitar.

“The next piece is something I wrote years ago, it’s about an old heartbreak of mine,” he tells his audience, who cheer him on without missing a beat. Tooru smiles inwardly, thankful that he’s always had a supportive fan base. He licks his lips, and his hands become clammy. He had been putting off this performance for quite some time, too scared to face the feelings he had buried to allow himself to heal. However, a smaller part of him wanted to do it. "It was my first love, but things don't always work out, do they?” Tooru lets out a humorless laugh. It’s been years, but a person like that can’t be easily forgotten. “This song came to be after we broke up, I like to call it ‘Mr. Loverman’, I hope you can enjoy it.”

The light dims, with a single spotlight shining upon Tooru. His fans' screams are almost deafening, but they’re also encouraging. Tooru closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and releases a shaky one. Without thinking, he lets his fingers hover the guitar, playing the tune that’s carved within his soul, ready to dip down the memories he tried to leave behind. He opens his eyes and sings.

“I’m headed straight **_for the floor…_** ”

**_“The alcohol served its tour, and it’s headed straight for my skin, leaving me daft and dim.”_**

* * *

_Hajime was like the first taste of spring after a harsh winter or the first autumn breeze after the heat waves of summer. He was a safe house. To Tooru he was home._

“Oi, Tooru, stop looking at me and watch the damn movie," Hajime scolds, his hand coming up to push Tooru's face away from where it's resting on his shoulder. Tooru whines and slaps Hajime's hand away before pushing himself closer to the other.

“I can’t help it, Iwa-chan is too distracting,” Tooru says, his voice muffled on Hajime’s shoulder. His clothes always smelled good, regardless of how sweaty or gross his best friend got. It was a feeling he learned along the years to associate with comfort. Something soothingly soft.

“Oh, how so?” Hajime asks, half curious and half shameless. They both know how so; it’s been something they’ve been dancing around for months now. But Tooru won’t give his friend the satisfaction of telling him, not if it means Hajime will hold whatever he says to him for the weeks to come.

“Well, your face is too ugly,” Tooru counters, as he looks up, poking his tongue out teasingly. It gains him another hard shove, which makes him fall back onto the couch. He braces himself for what’s about to happen as Hajime hovers above him, hands coming to pinch Tooru’s sides repeatedly.

"Is that so?" Hajime asks faking anger. Tooru screams and trashes between the attacks, giggling as Hajime's hands move up and down, touching the spots where Tooru is more sensitive. The younger holds Hajime's wrists and tries to push him away, even though he knows it'll be futile. "Take it back," Hajime bargains, he falters but doesn't stop until Tooru begins shouting apologies between laughs.

“Okay, I take it back! Iwa-chan is handsome! Please, stop!” Tooru squeals, pushing Hajime away. The other concedes and sits back on his heels, watching as Tooru regains his breath. He helps him sit up, before pulling Tooru’s arm, prompting him to crash against Hajime’s chest. “C’mon, let’s watch this damn movie, you were the one who insisted on it after all,” he exclaims, one of his arms coming up to wrap around Tooru’s shoulder. Tooru lets his head rest against Hajime’s chest, turning to look at the TV, even if his attention was still on this beautiful boy that he calls his best friend.

* * *

**_“I’ve got this shake in my legs, shaking the thoughts from my head, but who put these waves in the door? I crack and out, I pour.”_**

Love comes in many forms, and a person can be loved in many ways. Whether they're family, friends, or lovers. To them, love had always been a constant in their lives. It came in many forms throughout the years, and in small actions for the other. At some point, what Tooru thought was friendship started inching towards something more, slowly and surely. When he first realized it, it had been scary, especially considering that something like this would definitely change the dynamic in their relationship. Hajime has always been there for him; from the time he was born and after. He’s the one person that Tooru would confide everything to.

At first, it started as something small, something that Tooru thought he'd be able to control. Except that the more he tried to contain this love, the more it threatened to overflow. The fact that it could be unrequited terrified Tooru, but the more he watched Hajime, the more he little by little came to notice that the other felt the same.

The dam broke during their second year of high school, after another loss against Shiratorizawa. Surprisingly, the walk home had been silent, both of them too preoccupied with their own thoughts. They stopped in front of Tooru’s house, ready to part ways.

"Tooru," Hajime calls out, his voice barely above a whisper. It makes the younger halt on his steps, he turns to look at Hajime, who only stretches out his arms to welcome the other into a hug. Tooru's heart squeezes and his eyes prickle with tears, and it's too hard to differentiate whether it's love or frustration that makes him feel like this. Nonetheless, he runs to Hajime and lets himself be comforted in the way that only his best friend knows. Hajime is gentle, he holds Tooru like he's made of glass as he runs circles along his back. He doesn't say anything because he knows Tooru doesn't want him to. Tooru doesn't need words of encouragement, he just wants to wash his worries away under Hajime's embrace. Hajime pulls away, and cups Tooru’s face, his hands rough and calloused from the game, but still holding him with utmost care. His thumb brushes over Tooru’s cheeks and his eyes shift to Tooru’s lips for a fraction of a second. Tooru knows what’s about to happen, he knows what Hajime’s eyes are asking, so with a shaky breath he nods, and it’s all the other needs to pull him in. 

The kiss is tender, soft lips interlocking perfectly. There are no fireworks, only rapid heartbeats hammering against ribcages. Tooru's hands come up Hajime's back to rest on his neck, and his head turns slightly to the right to fit their lips better. It feels like they've got all the time of the world. Hajime's teeth bite softly on Tooru's lower lip, pulling at the skin and coaxing him open. Tooru's hands tighten around Hajime, and a soft sigh escapes his lips. He realizes there, under the soft glow of moonlight, as he's kissed by the person, he’s known his whole life, that he never wants to let go of Hajime, and he hopes that the other wants the same.

* * *

“I’m Mr. Loverman, and I miss my lover, man," Tooru's eyes are closed, eyebrows pulled together as he concentrates on singing the chorus. There's a familiar sting on his eyes and a rough pull on his heart. His fans are quietly listening, letting him have the spotlight. He doesn’t want to look at them, not when he feels like every part of himself is about to crumble. So, when he opens his eyes he looks far ahead because he knows that if he looks at his fans, part of him will search for Hajime, even when he knows that he won’t find him. **_“I’m Mr. Loverman. Oh, and I miss my lover.”_**

* * *

**_“The ways in which you talk to me, have me wishing I were gone. The ways that you say my name, have me running on and on.”_ **

_“I love you.”_

Hajime first whispers those three words in Tooru's bed, his hair rumpled from sleep and his eyes puffy. He looks raw and earnest. Perfect. Tooru wakes up feeling like he might die, happiness filling him up to the brim. The feeling starts on his chest, spreading rapidly like wildfire.

“I love you too,” is his reply, without hesitation. It has always been.

Hajime smiles at him, eyes crinkling slightly in that way that Tooru is so enamored by. He feels slightly drunk in joy, the atmosphere charged with a kind of electricity he has only felt a handful of times. Hajime’s hand reaches out for Tooru and cups his cheek, his thumb brushing tenderly over his skin as his hand slides down Tooru’s jaw. Tooru closes his eyes instinctively and leans into the touch like second nature. Hajime rests his forehead against Tooru’s and takes a deep breath, their lips ghosting over each other. For a while they stayed like that, frozen in their own world. Finally, Hajime leans in, capturing Tooru’s lips in a tender kiss, merely a brush of lips. Tooru smiles against the kiss and feels the other do the same before they break apart into hushed hysteric giggles.

_“Tooru.”_

_“Hajime.”_

Tooru is in bliss. He's always known that Hajime is the person he’d stay with for the rest of his life, even if it wasn’t romantically. Because that’s how it has always been, from the time they were born, stuck by each other’s side like glue. Even if their relationship hadn’t moved on, Hajime was still his best friend, his soulmate even, and Tooru would give up everything in the world to keep it that way.

* * *

**_“Oh, I’m cramping up, I’m cramping up. But you’re cracking up, you’re cracking up.”_ **

Tooru doesn’t remember the moment it changed, the moment either of them changed. It was like the drop of a roller coaster, and perhaps he had been too caught up in the dwindling anticipation of going up, that he forgot they were bound to drop at a given moment.

Hajime was the first to bring it up, after months of carefully threading around each other with the withering remains of what used to be their love. The bigger, prouder part of Tooru didn't want to accept it or face it. He didn't want to admit that they were falling out of love rather than falling in love. But everyone has their cracking point, and although it wasn't his intention, Tooru had unconsciously driven Hajime into his own.

“We need to talk,” it was said in simple words, yet Hajime's tone didn't reflect a single hint of lightness in it. Tooru had looked up from the lined notebook into which he had been furiously scribbling song ideas. He was sitting on the living room floor, cups of coffee littered around him. Hajime took a seat across from Tooru, looking slightly dejected.

“What is it?” Tooru had asked cautiously, even if he already knew what this conversation was about.

“Tooru,” Hajime started quietly, looking down at his hand and then back at the younger. He looked guilty, but the last thing Tooru wanted was for Hajime to feel like that about him, he didn’t want him to feel tied to Tooru in any way, as much as it broke his heart.

“Hajime,” Tooru had said back, the name scratching at Tooru’s throat like thorns. How many times had he whispered it lovingly, under the night sky or during the day?

“You know, like I, that we have been drifting apart from each other for quite some time now,” Hajime said, clearing his throat and looking away. Tooru felt himself tighten the grip around his pencil, before letting it fall down the floor with a soft clatter. Hajime closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “you know that we have to stop this before either of us gets hurt.”

Tooru nods and looks down. He wishes he could go back to the exact time they had begun tearing at their relationship so he could fix it. But even if he had the ability to do that Tooru wouldn't be able to properly tell the moment Hajime and he had started breaking apart.

"I love you Tooru, I really do, but I-." Hajime's voice cracks and he has to look up to blink away the tears, even if some are already running down his cheeks. Tooru on the other hand doesn't hide it. Hajime has always been the person he's left himself be vulnerable in front of. "I can’t do this anymore Tooru, _we can’t._ ”

“I know,” Tooru agrees silently. He sniffs and wipes away at the tears with his hand, even if they’re quickly replaced with new ones, “I love you too, but it’s not the same way anymore is it? and that’s why I have to let go, that’s why we both have to let go.”

Perhaps if a younger Tooru had known it would end like this. With packed bags and separate paths to take, perhaps he would’ve never allowed himself to fall into Hajime’s embrace. Perhaps he wouldn’t blindly thrust his heart into the other’s hand. But he had, and Hajime had done the same. Perhaps things would’ve been different, yet Tooru can’t really bring himself to regret it, even if he had lost Hajime as a lover and as a friend.

* * *

 ** _“I’m Mr. Loverman, and I miss my lover, man.”_** Tooru feels his voice crack noticeably, but he doesn’t stop. He doesn’t let himself look up to see if his fans noticed it. He’s too deep into his own mind, replaying memories of what was and what could’ve been, the phantom of Hajime’s image dancing in his darkened sight.

His heart aches, longs for Hajime’s touch, for his soft whispers. But he can’t have it, not anymore. He cherishes what they have, even if he can’t anymore. He's thankful for everything the older did for him, for every memory and every scar burnt into Tooru's heart. This song is his last line before he lets go completely before he lets himself move on and heal. " ** _I’m Mr. Loverman. Oh, and I miss my lover.”_**

* * *

**_“I’ve shattered now, I’m spilling out, upon this linoleum ground. I’m reeling in my brain again before it can get back to you...”_ **

The months following their break-up, after they had said their final goodbyes with tears streaming down their cheeks, were the hardest for Tooru. He felt like he was stuck in an endless loop. Like he had been consumed by a fire so hot it induced nightmares. His sleep schedule was a mess, his fridge was constantly empty and the scribbles of paper containing songs were mostly stained with tears.

“At least I can write now,” Tooru says into the phone one afternoon with Hanamaki on the other side, grimacing slightly. He tilts his head back and lets out a humorless laugh, “Maybe that’s what I needed all along, for Hajime to leave me.”

“Tooru…” Hanamaki whispers, with a twinge of pity seeping into his voice. A part of Tooru hates that he had reached the point even his friends would pity him, but the other part doesn’t care anymore.

"What do I do Makki?" Tooru asks helplessly as if Hanamaki could have an answer. He curls into himself further, one arm hugging his knees closer to his chest. He feels the familiar sting of tears behind his eyes, but he doesn't cry, "How can I make it all stop?"

Hanamaki remains quiet.

"He left the house, yet I seem to find a part of him everywhere," Tooru says exasperated. It's true though, although it had been over a month since Hajime had moved away, Tooru could still feel his presence with these walls. There too many memories, both good and bad. There was still too much of Hajime remaining within him, "he's everywhere I look, in every nook and cranny of this goddamned apartment."

"Maybe… it's time to move away, don't you think?" Hanamaki suggests carefully like he's dealing with a tempered child rather than a 21-year-old friend. Hanamaki knows that Tooru likes to put up a strong front, and maybe him remaining in the apartment is his own way of showing that he hasn't given up on the fight. Except that, there was no fight anymore, it had ended the moment Hajime stepped out to never be seen again.

Tooru wished he could drown it all out. Tooru wishes he had the will to do what his friend advised, but the ugly part of his heart still held on, that maybe Hajime would one day walk back in that door, back into Tooru’s life.

* * *

**_“Oh, what am I supposed to do without you?”_ **

Tooru gave in at the last line, silently letting the tears stream down his cheeks, little by little. He let allowed himself that moment of weakness, even if it was in front of thousands of people, all singing along with him and offering their support through cheers. He let go of each emotion he had felt during those months in isolation. The anger, the sadness, the frustration, and most of all, the emptiness left by Hajime.

“I’m Mr. Loverman,” he sings, through the soreness in his throat and the blurriness in his vision. Although his surroundings are deafened, he can make out his fans singing along. Even if it was a song, they weren't familiar with, it never failed to impress Tooru how easily they followed along. That small simple action gave him a small boost of strength. It was in moments like these, that Tooru was glad he followed the path of a singer. Even if touring was grueling, even if it felt lonely with just himself and his mind sometimes, once he is on a stage in front of all those people, he forgets about everything. About the stress building up from his career and fame. About the expectations, he had imposed on himself. And bout the dull ache and the ringing of Hajime’s voice on his ears.

His fingers ached slightly as he strung the guitar harder, pouring out the last bits of his past into the last lines of his song. Once it was over Tooru would be reborn. He'll turn the page into a new one and rewrite himself once again. He cherishes what he had, and he doesn't plan on forgetting it, but it's about time he gets back on his feet once again.

As he finished the song, Tooru willed himself to open his eyes, vision blurry. He looked around and saw smiles around him, from his fans, from the staff, all sharing silent support for whatever they thought Tooru was going through. Tooru sniffled into the microphone and took a deep breath to sing out the last line.

This was it, _the beginning of something new._

**_“I’m Mr. Loverman, and I miss my lover.”_ **

****

****

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it!! :D  
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. This was such a fun challenge that I'm glad I got to be part of


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